This might be the last letter for 1931. Next we will jump to 1932 and a new part of Bassya’s life.
Peretz Hirshbein or is it Peretz Hirschbein? I left it as written in the letter.
Carmel By the Sea
July 24, 1931
Why do you torture my soul, why don’t you give me peace, at least for an hour. If I could only stop thinking of you for one week of all these years. I thought maybe here — there is so much beauty here, and I want to share it with you. Carmel is the place, the atmosphere where you and I belong, is there no end to my yearning — no end to my suffering?
I have not slept a wink all night — my prayers brought me no sleep either. I kept on thinking of someone — who would give me no peace. Opened up the windows — looked up to the stars, found no answer — watched them disappear…all was dark —
I am sitting now at the beach. I have spent the day here. It is now 5:00 p.m. everyone has gone, that is why I linger on. I want to be left alone with someone —
Just finished Peretz Hirshbein’s book — our play — pinchas, pinchas, pinchas, Pinchas, Pinchas, Pinchas — Pinchas — pinchas. — This is my life.
You have to stand all the blows I give you — I have no one else to revolt against — I cannot even keep a diary where I could relieve my anger — always afraid someone might find it –. What do you think I made of — stone? it is more than one can bear — always taking in — keeping in — without answering — I have to scream sometimes who shall I scream at? it has to be you. Yes You, because “You are I” because I love you — because I suffer on account of you — because you, came into my life — when you shouldn’t have come — because there is no remedy for it now — because of everything –. Because I cannot get along anymore without your smile, you presence, your understanding — you have entered my soul and you give me no peace —
I am watching the sunset now — and my eyes are all blood-shot from tears — Oh my Pinchas have patience with me — endure my faults I have no one int he whole world who could take your place — Life is a struggle as it is — do not make it harder — help me — help me , be my friend, be my father, be my brother — until you become my Lover. If you should refuse — if you should turn from me now — I will not hear it — I shall not have the strength to go on — I know it. I feel it. Let us play fair — until — please try for my sake. Let me not be tortured by conscience, sacrifice yourself for me — and there will come a time when I shall give everything for you — my life — my all. Help me endure the struggle until happiness shall come our way — and as I do — be natural my dreamer do not shrink into realism — I wish I could gaze into your dreamy blue eyes — to look a you — to put my tired head on your heart —.
I am all alone at the beach now — but am I all alone? I feel that two souls two hearts are joined in me.
Carmel is beautiful beyond description. I am staying with a private family — Murphy is the name, the most charming, cultured refined people, their home is artistic and I love my room. Here is a new world a world for itself. People who live for years here do not know what it means to lock a door — they sleep without fear — the front door always open, when I asked for a key for the front door they simply looked at me — told me they have no such thing.
Everything here is refined artistic, there is only one class of people that come here and live here.
It is six o’clock now, I must be going. I have to walk 10 blocks for my meals. I am going to see a stage play tonight — “Tomorrow and Tomorrow,” have not seen Peretz Hirshbein yet.
I want to call you up — give me a telephone number any time after eight p.m. write me every day — please —.
Good bye my Pinchas and God bless you.
from your heart and soul.
P.O. Box 138
Carmel By the Sea